Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Fast, Furious Teen Barrels Car into Local Thrift Store in Hit-and-Run


DUNDALK, MD – Local teenager Vincent “Vinnie” Colombo of Essex plowed his 1997 Honda Civic DX into the local Salvation Army building this past Saturday, April 11, scattering flannel shirts and second-hand overalls into the adjacent office complex. After making sure no one was hurt or injured, the noticeably tearful Colombo panicked and fled the scene.

Departing from a matinee viewing of the new Fast & Furious film, Mr. Colombo was attempting a car trick described by witnesses as ‘the mega drift’ when he lost control of his vehicle during a street race against the nonparticipating driver of a Buick LeSabre.

“Mr. Colombo stopped beside me at a red light and asked me if I ‘wanted to go,’” said the 72 year old driver of the Buick to reporters. “I said, ‘I’m good, thanks’ but despite my decline, the light had turned green and he just took off.”

After fleeing the scene, police caught up with Colombo three miles down the road at the WaWa on Market Street where Vincent was spotted bragging to friends about how fast he was speeding, and how particularly furious he looked while doing so.

Authority reports state that Colombo attempted to speed off again in his vehicle once he saw the police, but only made it a few dozen feet before his obnoxiously loud performance muffler fell off, and was forced to surrender.

Colombo is facing charges of reckless driving, fleeing the scene of an accident, and driving without proof of insurance. His car was recently sold at an impound auction for $350.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

March Sadness: Local Bank Collapses after NCAA Bracket Fiasco


COLUMBIA, IL – Small cap bank STY Bankshares, Inc. is in jeopardy of filing for Chapter 7 of the United States Bankruptcy Code after investing several millions of dollars of corporate capital into “The World’s Largest NCAA Tournament Challenge.”

According to management, this controversial investment was placed in an effort to rescue investors from toxic assets on the company’s balance sheet. A once proud financial institution, STY has been facing financial difficulties for the past several months.

The company’s rapid descent from profitability to obscurity has been described by one employee as “the sort of thing that would remind the CNBC guys to refill their Xanax.”

On March 14, 2009, the time conference basketball tournaments were wrapping up, executive management for STY fired their head mortgage lender, and hired a young hotshot fresh out of the Ohio State University Sports Management Program named Archibald “Ace of Spades” Miller.

“His resume was immaculate,” said STY president and CEO Farleigh Johnson of Miller. “At OSU basketball games he made the Provincial Homestead half-court shot on two different occasions…blindfolded.”

Ace Miller, as he prefers to be addressed, was recruited to oversee STY’s new plan for raising capital. With the support of management, Miller created the ‘ultimate’ bracket and entered it into the “The World’s Largest NCAA Tournament Challenge" on behalf of STY.

Initially, employees were ecstatic with management’s aggressive methods for saving the bank with Miller leading the charge.

“Ace’s confidence in his bracket was really contagious,” added one employee. “It felt like the old days, when people felt good about working at STY.”

However, the renewed confidence at STY was soon replaced by thoughts of skepticism toward Ace. When several of the bank’s employees gathered to watch the opening round of the NCAA tournament at Johnson’s home, a glaring truth became apparent.

“Ace kept rooting for the New England Patriots,” said one disgruntled employee. “At first we thought he was joking and had a good laugh. But after he continued for several hours, we realized he had no idea what he was talking about.”

“I doubt Ace Miller has ever seen a college basketball game,” added a senior VP for STY. “He kept rambling on about how 'Tom Brady was going to pull it off again.' There was nothing we could do but sit there and watch our company’s bracket and future fall apart.”

Ace Miller’s bracket did not win “The World’s Largest NCAA Tournament Challenge,” and STY will most likely be forced to liquidate all of their remaining assets. Farleigh Johnson and other members of the executive committee for STY will be receiving indictments from the Federal Government on several counts of fraud. Archibald “Ace of Spades” Miller has since checked into a mental health facility.

A letter received from Johnson, as read by his attorney to the public, ended by saying, “…Ace Miller fooled us all.”

Prior reports state Ace Miller filled in ‘The New England Patriots,’ of the NFL, to win every game of every round in the NCAA bracket he filled out for STY.

Hence, his rooting interest.


Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Former Governor Spitzer Inducted As Honorary Rotarian


ALBANY, NY- Early reports from the Upstate Press have indicated that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will be inducted as an honorary member to the Albany, New York chapter of the Rotary Club. The Albany Rotary Club is one of several Rotary organizations that aim to encourage the highest ethical standards in all vocations through a variety of humanitarian services.

Mr. Spitzer may seem an odd candidate for such an honor, having spent over $80,000 for the services of high end prostitutes during his years as a public official. He maintains, however, that he is sorry.

To further prove his remorse, Mr. Spitzer has started a foundation for scarred wives of husbands who cheat on them with high end prostitutes, appropriately named “The Female’s United Group vs. Lustful Yearnings.” The main purpose for the Female’s United Group vs. Lustful Yearnings (FUGLY) is to restore the confidence of women who feel physically inadequate to the sensual attributes of the high priced call woman.

In praise of his foundation, Mr. Spitzer stated, “I never could have imagined that The Female’s United Group vs. Lustful Yearnings could have reached out to so many women in need of support.”

He added, “I suppose, in a way, these FUGLY women have touched us all.”

Mr. Spitzer’s approval of the FUGLY foundation is echoed by the Albany Rotary Club.

“Mr. Spitzer has shown himself to be a model citizen over the course of his life in the public eye,” added one senior Albany Rotarian. “Except for the whole paying for sex thing…that was kind of a dick move.”

The induction ceremony will take place on May, 19 at the municipal building on 33rd Street. Cookies and punch will be served.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Billy's Disclaimer


With this being the inaugural post of Billy's Inner Monologue (BIM), it is the opinion of BIM that a disclaimer should be presented. A disclaimer, as defined by Wikipedia (a legal source of unquestioned integrity), is any statement intended to specify or delimit the scope of rights and obligations that may be exercised and enforced by parties in a legally-recognized relationship. While the relationships between the readers of this blog and BIM are not legally-recognizable (I think), BIM feels that this blog may be offensive and potentially detrimental to naivety. So without further adieu, the disclaimer is as follows:

The opinions expressed on this weblog entirely and explicitly represent the views of BIM and no other entity. All views and opinions portrayed on this page are snapshots of the author's mindset at a point in time, and are often presented by incoherent ramblings and nonsensical diatribes. All stories portrayed on this blog, especially those based on real people, are fictional. All quotes contained in this blog are fabricated. If the reader is, or may be, offended by off color language and absurd humor bordering on tomfoolery, the reader is respectfully encouraged to divert their attention elsewhere. BIM is entirely devoted to whoever may stumble upon it, and encourages criticism at all levels.

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